I think about this a lot. A significant part of my childhood was spent living with my grandmother, at least eight years. We developed an incredibly close bond. She wasn’t just a grandmother, she was like a second mother to me. I felt just as comfortable around her as I did with my own mom. She was the one I turned to when I needed advice or comfort. She disciplined me when needed, though not much, because, let’s face it, I was her favorite. Even after my mom and I moved out, I still saw her almost every day. When I went away to college, she was always the first person I’d visit on my way home. I always assumed that when I had kids, they would have the same kind of deep, constant relationship with their grandparents.

But, here’s the reality…we don’t live near any family. We’re in Maryland, while most of our relatives are spread across Michigan and Ontario. We stay connected with Donald’s parents by FaceTiming every Sunday, and they often visit for a weekend, but it’s just not the same as having them nearby. The boys are always excited when Bubba and Gigi watch them during a race or game, and they love it when they come to visit. It’s certainly the best any of us can do given the distance. However, since it’s all they really know, they don’t fully understand the magic of being dropped off at Grandma’s for the weekend or staying for an entire week. But I have hope. After all, I didn’t even get to know my paternal grandmother until I was about eight years old. She lived in California, and I was in Michigan. The distance was tough, but we still managed to form a close bond. My Grandma made so much effort to stay connected, and I’m so grateful for that. We found common ground, and now it feels like I can pick up the phone at any time to talk to her, and it would just feel right. I should probably do that more often.

I’ve come to realize that the bond between grandparents and grandchildren is so much more important than I initially thought. Studies show that this relationship can play a critical role in a child’s development. Grandparents offer emotional support, and often their wisdom and life experience provide valuable perspectives. Children who have close relationships with their grandparents tend to have higher self-esteem, better academic performance, and improved emotional well-being (this must be why I’m so perfect). This bond gives children a sense of continuity and belonging, helping them feel more grounded. I know I personally gained so much from the relationship I had with my grandmothers, and I want that for my own children.

For Donald and me, the absence of extended family nearby means missing out on small, everyday joys. Like having a quiet dinner out together, going to a sporting event, or even meeting friends without the kids. But I’m not complaining, I love taking my boys places, and we’re so used to our routine that it doesn’t bother us much. We’ve definitely missed out on some experiences, but we’ve learned to make it work. For example, I’ll head to New York to visit friends, but I usually go alone, or if Donald does come, we have to bring the boys along. We would bring them anyway, but let’s face it…my kids aren’t exactly thrilled about sitting through a Broadway show, and I definitely don’t want to pay for four tickets!

And it turns out, this isn’t just a distance issue. Friends I have here in Maryland, and even in Michigan, whose parents live nearby, still face similar challenges. The reality is, a lot of us are in the same boat. But we’ve found ways to make it work. We hang out with the kids in tow, and it’s become the new normal. It’s one of the reasons I’m so thankful for friends who’ve become like family. They provide the consistency and stability my boys need. While many people are fortunate enough to have large families with a network of cousins and big family gatherings, we’ve created that sense of family with our close-knit friend group.

I will be forever grateful for my closest friends, especially Matt and Andrew, who fill the gap of missing family. The boys consider them their uncles, and they always make time to visit us. When we go to see them, they go out of their way to plan fun activities for the kids, even making them ice cream sundaes…which, apparently, I’ve never done (oops!). Adrien has already decided he’s going to college at NYU and living with Matt and Andrew! That consistency is so important to me, because while it may not be the same as having biological family nearby, they’re filling that void and creating lasting memories with the kids.

And speaking of lasting memories, Donald often recalls trips he used to take up north to his grandparents’ cabin without his parents. And as much as he loves them, he admits he preferred it this way. (Sorry, guys!) There’s something special about letting kids spend time with grandparents or extended family, away from their parents. It creates that deep bond, but it also gives both the children and the parents a much needed break from each other. It’s not just parents who need a break from their kids, sometimes kids need time apart from their parents too, to build their own relationships and create memories that are separate from the family unit. Those moments spent away create independence and a deeper connection to their grandparents. It’s a dynamic that’s hard to replicate in any other way.

As much as I’ve come to realize the struggles of raising kids far from extended family, I also know this will create a bond between us and our children that’s unique in its own way. We might not have the large family gatherings, but we’re forging a different kind of connection, a closer, more intimate one. Our generation is facing challenges in staying connected to extended family, but I believe it will make us even closer to our children in the long run. We will be the foundation they build upon, and as they grow older, they’ll look back not just at their biological family, but at the friendships and experiences that shaped their childhood and the bonds that became a part of their story.

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